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Topic: Finally dumping my boyfriend - sigh. *LONG RANT*  (Read 2580 times)
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Lifeguarding the gene pool!
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« on: November 29, 2005 07:16:06 AM »

So I've been bitching about my bf for roughly the last year or so, since it's really only been within the last year that his colors have REALLY come out. We've been together since June 2003, and I've stayed on in spite of his being irritable, nasty, and just generally an unpleasant person. For example, when I told him I'd read some of the books on Oprah - you remember the whole Oprah book club thing a few years back? - he immediately returned, "Oprah Winfrey's garbage. She's a piece of sh*t and should be shot and killed."  Um...ok. I don't feel any love or loyalty towards Oprah, but wasn't that a bit harsh?

And his MOUTH. Everything's f--- this and f--- that and he can't refer to women as "women" - they're all bitches or whores.  "Yeah, me and Mike and Joe saw these bitches walking down the street..." Or it's "Hey baby, look at all the whores hanging around..."  Every time I'd ask him to watch his mouth, he'd just laugh me off. He treats his parents like garbage and the only time he ever watches his mouth is when he's around MY parents, because he knows that my mother, in her genteel southern way, would emasculate him. My father doesn't even have to say a word - he just glares. And when Pop glares, the lights flicker.

He's not all bad, in spite of things. I'd like to think no one really is. But I've reached my end with him and his mouth and his horrible "opinions" that he thinks everyone is entitled to. Here's what happened last Tuesday:

I came home from having Mel (my sweet 11 year old Maine Coon kitty) put to sleep. He had a cancerous tumor in his abdomen the size of a softball and couldn't keep anything down. He had gone from a majestic 18 pounds to just 7, but from the time he was born until he took his last breath he never stopped purring. He was a big fuzzy baby who liked to have his butt rubbed with a hairbrush, and that's how I like to remember him.

It had been a rough day anyway, then I found out my 13 year old niece (who lives with me) had been lying to me about using the computer. She's grounded from using it until her grades come back up, but somehow someone managed to send a video game guide to the printer and LEAVE IT THERE. Since she's the only one around who plays the video games... But no...she lied about it, swore up and down it wasn't her, she didn't do it, lalalala.

So now with the double stress of Mel's death and my niece's continual lies (yep, she does it enough to make it a concern), I call my bf for some consolation and a friendly voice. At the news of Mel's death, he said, "I'm sorry to hear about that." Which was nice of him. But when I told him about my niece's lying, here's what he had to say:

"You need to stop that sh*t now, man. It's f*cking ridiculous. She does that sh*t now, no telling what kind of sh*t she'll be doing later. Somebody needs to f*ck her up, man. Just f*ck her ass up, bruise her face all up and sh*t, mess her up real f*cking good. She won't do that sh*t no more."

I told him he was a piss-poor human being to even say something like that about anybody, much less a little girl. Then he laughed. I hung up on him. He called me again on Thanksgiving, but I wouldn't speak to him. He hasn't called me again, and I haven't spoken to him since. I don't plan to speak to him again. Kind of an unspoken dumping, I guess.

He said those awful things about someone I love more than anything in the world...so why do I feel so horrible now? Am I jumping the gun? Is it long overdue? He didn't like my crafty ways - said I had too many hobbies. My going to the Goodwill literally started fights between us, and I've been pissed at him in the past for saying things like "People who do that crafting crap all have mental illness." He believed touching my knitting needles would make him less of a man.

It just kills me. I'm 31 now and I don't make friends easily, since I'm the kind of shy that makes for a good hermit. When I try, I'm always guilt-ridden and beating myself up after for possibly saying/doing/being everything wrong. I have ALWAYS been mental - too self-conscious, too scared, too worried, too frightened of everything to feel like a normal person. I think having a boyfriend made me feel normal, even if he wasn't the most pleasant person in the world. This last week has been difficult and awful and lonely. I spent Thanksgiving alone, since my niece was with her father and my parents are vacationing in St. Martin until this Thursday. Nothing like spending a family holiday alone when you're depressed to make you evaluate your life.

But I crafted. Boy, did I craft. On Thanksgiving alone, I made more than a dozen pairs of earrings, four bracelets, three necklaces, and since then I've experimented with memory wire beyond what would be considered reasonable (I'll post some jewelry soon in completed objects). I've been knitting another scarf in seed stitch while pondering singledom and trying not to feel lonely.

I feel optimistic when I craft. I know that in the end, when it's all over, I will have something nice to hold onto. A homespun scarf is a wonderful thing, as is a pretty gemstone bracelet. I still owe a wonderful person a swap package (that I COMPLETELY forgot about an embarrassing number of months ago, and that will be going out this weekend thanks to my productive holiday). A finished craft reminds me that I still have things to do and things to look forward to.

But if I EVER have another man in my life, he will knit. He will do so proudly, and I will make sweet sweet love to him wearing only the socks he has made for me.

Need a sewing pattern? Check out my Etsy:

« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2005 07:33:37 AM »

wow, what a post ... i just have to say that i believe you have done the right thing ... i had to do the same recently, though i think maybe my boyfriend wasn't quite as bad, he was just extraordinarily inconsiderate.  i finally snapped after the second forgotten/ignored birthday, and the total lack of support when i found out my god-daughter had cancer.

i'm 29, and similarly really shy.  so i know it's not an easy decision to make.  but after a while i started to realise it definitely was the right decision.

there are always some things in life that just make you feel a bit crap (like your ex), but there are also plenty of things that make you feel good (like your crafting) ... so if you've traded one of the crap things for one of the good things, then i reckon you are on the right track   Cheesy
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2005 07:36:31 AM »

my friend, at the risk of posting to a not too craft related thread, i have to anyway. you did the right thing. you could have been describing my position a year ago, and i had a sad but totally necesary decision to make.

do i want to be happy or do i want to pretend i am happy.

there is no reason to pretend. and it never works. you did the right thing. you and your neice will be able to patch things up, and she will be able to help you when you are blue; because the sad bit doesn't actually go away quickly. even if he was a dink, there were other times when i'm sure he wasn't. but you can't wait around forever for the next bit of sunny disposition.

You are better off, and if you want to be a hermit for awhile, that is ok.

« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2005 07:52:04 AM »

It sounds like your BF was 99% brain dead to treat a wonderful person like you so shabbily.  I think he has what some call a critical spirit.  It doesn't do you any good nor your niece any good to have someone like that around.  I think dumping him set a good example to her.  You certainly don't want her in a relationship like that and she needs to learn by action, not just words that she (and you) deserves to be treated like a princess by a person she treats like a prince.

Yes, it will hurt for a time.  But you will see, keeping yourself busy will make that time go a bit faster.  And, if you want a man that knits...go to where the knitting men are.  Join knitting/craft groups in your area.  Not only will you make new friends...that special someone is going to be where you are having fun also.  (and...maybe take your niece too to get her away from the computer...warning...she  may be kicking and screaming while you do this...wear shin guards LOL)

I wish you the best of luck (remember chocolate helps everything) and know that you have many people on this forum supporting your decision to get away from this jerk.

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« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2005 07:54:45 AM »

It's never ever wrong to stand up for yourself and those you love. In my experience, a man who talks about hitting women eventually will. Now it won't be you or your niece. You can't wait for a man to hit you to draw the line. Sorry about the preaching, but it's a reflex born of pain (you can roll your eyes now). But seriously, don't let this crappy holiday event keep you in the house. Go to a stitch and bitch and sit there. You don't have to talk or interact. You don't need a man, but you have a better chance of meeting a knitting one when you are around other crafty people. Man doesn't need to knit, but he does need to have at least one hobby to be sane.

The nice thing about the awful truth, that it's harder to make friends as you get older, is that it's just as hard for everyone else, man or woman, so we tend to hold onto the good ones. High five for kicking a bad habit! Now that you have kicked him to the curb, don't let him live on as the bad voice in your head. Live out loud, as they say.
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2005 08:05:16 AM »

I remeber having a mentally abusive boyfriend at one time in my life...best thing you can ever do is to cut them off completely from your life.......you are the best friend you will ever have and you should find a man who makes you feeli like a queen.....and u can pm me if you ever need a buddy to chat with.....
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« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2005 08:16:22 AM »

Join knitting/craft groups in your area.  Not only will you make new friends...that special someone is going to be where you are having fun also.  (and...maybe take your niece too to get her away from the computer...warning...she  may be kicking and screaming while you do this...wear shin guards LOL)

She knits, too! Granted, she occasionally uses her teeth, but she knows the basic stitches. She's in this weird phase right now where she will only use size 1 needles. Size one needles with Red Heart worsted. It's really funny to watch her go.

I've been knitting with her at night so she doesn't feel like she's missing the computer. I'd rather she spent that time with me, especially now that the computer is off-limits. It also helps me to keep an eye on her, since I remember all too well how I was at her age.

Need a sewing pattern? Check out my Etsy:

« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2005 09:13:22 AM »

WOW...I'm not even sure what to say but...Good for you!!! You are definitely worth way more then a man who always puts you and your interests down. I agree with Islandhome in that you should definitely join some crafty groups. I too am a shy person and often hermit at home with my crafty stuff (it doesn't criticize me), but I am slowly getting out there and joining in the fun with others...there are MANY others in the same situation as yourself...you are not alone.

I just had to congratulate you on getting up the courage to dump his ass and take care of yourself...it will be hard in the beginning, but you will thank yourself down the road. Consentrate on yourself and your niece, spending some time with her knitting and such will build on your bond together and will help her overcome her computer addiction (I use the word addiction cause I have brothers/sisters with the same problem...they always have to be connected...and have lost their ability to be creative and use their imaginations) My brothers/sister spend all their time on the computer chatting with friends...whatever happend to hanging out together in person...Maybe I'm just old...but I don't get it...anyhoo, enough of my rant...

Good for you for splitting with your boyfriend...and keep up hope...there are quite a few "secure" men out there that would love to knit with you or that would appreciate something you knitted for them.

Good luck with everything...

NessaGurl  Grin

Check out my Etsy Shop...

My Wist

I would love to do a personal swap for Quality, well made felt or crochet play foods for my daughter... contact me if you are interested. Check out my shop to see what I could make for you
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« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2005 10:13:21 AM »


Don't worry about feeling self-conscious or guilty. You've already proved you're self-sufficient and (clich alert) mentally strong. Too many people stay in relationships like that and put up with them and end up worse off for it.
There are 6 billion people on the planet; there must be plenty of decent blokes. Smiley
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2005 10:34:07 AM »

Wow!! Its amazing to me that he would be so rude, inconsiderate, mean and verbally/mentally abusive like that. Good for you for breaking up with him!! You deserve way better. I am rather shy also until I get to know a person so I know what your talking about with meeting new friends. Just remember this....when one is closed, somewhere, a window is opened. Being the wonderful person you are, I am sure you will find someone soon.  Smiley

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