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Topic: Standing on the Rooftops, Everybody Scream Your HEART OUT!! lostprophets  (Read 9316 times)
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thankyoulocust
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« on: March 04, 2009 12:16:01 PM »

This is my first challenge entry!  I was really nervous about doing this because I've seen the challenge entries every month and I was afraid mine wouldn't measure up.  But then I just thought, "f*ck it", and entered anyway.  If nothing else, this was a cathartic process!  This is kind of a long rambling story, so be forewarned:)  For about the last 5 years, since the birth of my middle child, I've been pretty overweight.  I've felt as if I've been living in a prison of my own making sometimes.  I think my husband is the only person on earth who has any inkling of how deeply unhappy I'd been.  I steer clear of mirrors because, in my mind's eye, I still see myself like I was and catching a glimpse of what I am is a shock to the system...even after 5 years.  I've been mired in a mix of self-loathing and self-sabotage.  This led to a horrible cycle of being desperate to lose the weight, but being afraid to try, for fear of failure, and subsequently deciding not to do anything about it.  Last year, in July, I finally made my move and started actively trying to lose weight.  So, 7 months later, I'm a third of the way to my goal weight.  I've lost just under 30 pounds and have 51 pounds left to lose.  That may sound super awesome and reason to celebrate, but I'll be honest.  It's a constant battle.  I struggle daily to remind myself why I'm doing this.  My reasons include:

1) my health
2) my kids
3 ) my husband
4 ) making my appearance pleasing to myself

I've fallen off the wagon a couple times, but I get back on and I forge ahead.  Some days, though...  Some days I want to give up altogether and just go back to being the way I was because, although I was miserable, it was easier.  Lately I've been struggling a lot, mentally.  I've just had several weeks of feeling like, even though I'm trying so hard, I'm just going to be fat forever and I'll never be happy with myself.  I'm starting to shake it off, but I don't expect that this will be the last time I feel like that.  I've had to recognize that it will continue to be a battle.  For the rest of my life.  Shit, sometimes it's less a battle and more an all-out war.

All that being said, this song speaks to me on this particular issue for a lot of reasons.  Here are some of the lyrics:

When our time is up,
When our lives are done,
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make our mark
this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we've got now,
Everybody scream your heart out.

Standing on the rooftop,
(Waiting till the bomb drops)
This is all we've got now,
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret,
(Watching every sunset)
Listen to your heartbeat,
(All the love that we've felt)


Here's a link to the song too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMZDvOLh8Zg

Here's my interpretation:



Close up of the words:



See, it makes me realize something.  I just HAVE to keep doing this.  Because, all the reasons I listed above aside, one thing makes me know that.  I can't believe how much of the last 5 years I've wasted hating the way I look, the way I feel.   How many outings I've skipped with my kids because I won't get in a bathing suit or didn't want to meet their friends' parents because I was afraid of what they'd think of me.  How many pictures I haven't taken with my family because I couldn't bear to see reality staring me in the face.  How many hugs I avoided from my husband so he won't feel my fat when his arms go around me.  How many endless days I've spent drowning in regret over a million things...over this one thing.  I heard somewhere that the pain of discipline is inconsequential compared to the pain of regret.  I have to make myself be mindful of that every minute of every day.  I don't want to wait till the bomb drops.

This song made me think of all that.  And I know that my painting is a very literal interpretation of the song, but it's meant to be.  I do feel like just going on the roof and screaming sometimes.  Out of frustration, pain, misery, anger, celebration, joy, etc.  Any of those and all of those.  Don't we all feel that way sometimes?

So I took a picture of myself striking the pose you see in the painting.  And, wow, did I feel I like an idiot doing that:)  Anyway, then I did some Photoshop stuff to isolate myself from the background and filled in my silhouette with black.  I used that image on a rooftop with a city skyline as a stencil.  I actually painted this on the back of an old t-shirt!  We're broke as a joke in this joint lately so I couldn't buy a canvas.  I just ironed some interfacing to the shirt, taped it around one of those wood painting things you can get from Hobby Lobby, and painted like it was a regular canvas.  I've never really painted anything before, except for stenciling stuff.  I stenciled the skyline and my silhouette on there, but I freehanded the sky and stars.  It was done with acrylic paints mixed with fabric medium.  I then mounted it on the wood painting that I stretched it around and sprayed it with a sealer and voila!  I was really suprised at how stiff it became.

So, that's my entry.  And that's me.  Here's hoping that I win this battle and maybe this time next year, my silhouette will look a lot different.  Kudos if you made it all the way through this!
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"Yeah we don't take orders well.  Unless they're to get on the dance flo'.  Or raise the roof.  Or make some NOIZE...with a Z!"
Le Mieux
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2009 01:19:46 PM »

wow, what you wrote was amazing, i can really feel the exact emotions you're going through by the way you explained it all. i think you're amazing for putting exactly what you feel into words - and how honest you are! having read your entry, then look at what you made....its like everything you said is expressed PERFECTLY by the picture.

i'm blabbing now but i want to say how much i admire you, your honesty, and your strength! massive congrats on losing the weight, and good luck with the way to go!!

i've had personal struggles with depression and when i was reading what you said, it kind of explains how its a daily struggle to understand what im battling against, try to get out of bed and be normal, against the often overwhelming urge just to give up and let go completely. but the song is a great inspiration - sometimes we all need something to PUSH us into getting to our goal and remind us exactly why we're doing this! xx
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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2009 03:33:37 PM »

This is fantastic, really.  Shocked

I'm right alongside Le Mieux in saying that your portrayal is everything that you've said in your post, and it's all laid out so simply.

Great work, and I truely wish all the best to you!
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2009 03:54:53 PM »

Wow! This is really inspirational! Your piece is gorgeous and I so admire your determination!

I can't wait to see what you do in celebration...when you finally meet your goal! I know your going to make it!
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Knickertwist
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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2009 03:59:29 PM »

You. Rock.

Your story is awesome and honest and inspiring. Your painting is fab.

I kinda want to hug you... is that weird  Wink
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artist.nerd.musiclover
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2009 08:31:48 PM »

Awesome job!  And I love the song you chose!  Cheesy
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bella_domanie
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2009 01:51:14 AM »

Oh geez *tear* lol.  I'm in the exact same place.  I know exactly how you feel.  I have the same problem, (damn kid) but mine's only been four years.  We recently got back from vacation to Las Vegas with our friends and I couldn't even enjoy it like I wanted because of this.  Funny, huh. I think it's great that you did this, if for no other reason than for your self.  You're not alone.  Great song, by the way.
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thankyoulocust
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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2009 04:28:12 AM »

i've had personal struggles with depression and when i was reading what you said, it kind of explains how its a daily struggle to understand what im battling against, try to get out of bed and be normal, against the often overwhelming urge just to give up and let go completely. but the song is a great inspiration - sometimes we all need something to PUSH us into getting to our goal and remind us exactly why we're doing this! xx

Yes, exactly!  And, you know, the urge is overwhelming!  So overwhelming that sometimes I do give in.  But I just have to catch myself and stop giving in.  I've just had to see that this is part of it.  It's going to be part of it forever.  So, I'm really trying to not get too hung up when I do give in.  The insane self-flagellation that I go through every time is really counterproductive for me.

This is fantastic, really.  Shocked

I'm right alongside Le Mieux in saying that your portrayal is everything that you've said in your post, and it's all laid out so simply.

Great work, and I truely wish all the best to you!

Thank you so much!  I really appreciate the good wishes and the lovely comments:)

Wow! This is really inspirational! Your piece is gorgeous and I so admire your determination!

I can't wait to see what you do in celebration...when you finally meet your goal! I know your going to make it!

Thanks for the nice comments!  I actually already have a plan in mind.  When I'm all done and reach my goal weight, I plan on getting a huge rib tattoo done.  One that reaches from my armpit to my hipbone and covers half of my torso.  My husband's gonna design it for me:)  In another life (before we were married with kids, heh) he was apprenticing to be a tattoo artist and he's amazing at drawing flash.  I'm hoping that at that point I won't be paralyzed with embarrassment at taking my shirt off in front of a stranger.  Or my husband, for that matter Wink

You. Rock.

Your story is awesome and honest and inspiring. Your painting is fab.

I kinda want to hug you... is that weird  Wink

Awwww.  Not weird at all.  It made me feel warm and cozy, heehee.  And I'm generally not a very huggy person Grin

Awesome job!  And I love the song you chose!  Cheesy

Thanks!  I love it too.  It's awesome fun to play on Guitar Hero. 

Oh geez *tear* lol.  I'm in the exact same place.  I know exactly how you feel.  I have the same problem, (damn kid) but mine's only been four years.  We recently got back from vacation to Las Vegas with our friends and I couldn't even enjoy it like I wanted because of this.  Funny, huh. I think it's great that you did this, if for no other reason than for your self.  You're not alone.  Great song, by the way.

I'm sorry that you're also dealing with this really shitty mix of emotions.  It's no fun at all.  I think one of the only things that shines light into a really dark place is knowing that you're not alone.  So, thanks for that.  And I hope my story made you feel like you're not alone in this either.  Good luck to you.
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"Yeah we don't take orders well.  Unless they're to get on the dance flo'.  Or raise the roof.  Or make some NOIZE...with a Z!"
crendon
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2009 06:34:11 AM »

wow, thanks for articulating such a common struggle. I'm going through the same issues as well. maybe ur piece can be a focal point for staying at it against all odds!
THIS ROCKS   Logged
glitterbug12
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2009 09:01:20 AM »

I like that song too, and this is really beautiful. Good job!  Smiley
THIS ROCKS   Logged
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